17 Has Turned 35...

The summer I turned 17 my mom was turning 35 that fall. We were in the car on our way to get my Senior pics taken when the John Mellencamp song Cherry Bomb came on the radio. We were laughing at the irony of the lyric '17 has turned 35'....but here I am. Sitting at my dinning room table and 17 has turned 35. I'm left wondering where did it all go? How did 18 years slip slide away?

I've always looooved my birthday. It was my favorite holiday and considering that it was butted right up against the national celebration of our independence I had, more or less, a two day party every year. I'm usually sad when it's all said and done and I have to wait a whole nother year for my day. Yeah. Not so much this year. I've tried to sort of ignore it....but that doesn't happen in this house. We are birthday people. I was raised with birthday people. My dad's birthday's were notorious and lasted with week long celebrations. Your life is unique and special and should be celebrated. It is a day that is just for you. This year, I'm feelin my age.

Except I don't! And there in lies the rub. I don't feel 35. When I was 25 I would've told you I felt 32. Now that I'm 35 I feel more like 25...ish...maybe 27....I've never been good with numbers. They don't tell you that part. Or maybe they do. You just don't pay attention because you ARE 25 and nothing really matters at 25 even though you think EVERYTHING is monumental. That the part that reaches up and slugs you in the jaw. My knees pop and catch and groan in the mornings. I need sleep now. Like for real sleep not the 4 hours I use to get by with. I'm going to bed by 11 or there's hell to pay tomorrow sleep. And I LIKE being up early...6 am early. When the house is quiet and my kiddos are sleeping. It's calm and peaceful....and clean. And my mother comes flying out of my mouth ALL.THE.TIME!! When did she move in there? Seriously? I didn't get the change of address card. My boobs aren't perky anymore. They're still better than some, but not like they were. And since I've quit smoking and got married I can't lose these 20 lbs. And another thing! What's up with DRY SKIN??? Which I do have to admit, I don't mind all that much. It was harder to moisturize when I had to degrease my face and now I get to slather it with like 6 different 'anti-aging' bunch of bullshit and sunscreen (which I should've embraced earlier) but the rigamarole of putting it all on is exhausting. Yet, in my head, I feel younger all the time. I feel lighter and more comfortable in my own skin (minus the 20 lbs of hangers on).

I thought it was the fact that B and I are going to have just one more sometime this year was what was freaking me out. Being 35 technically puts me in the "high risk" bracket (because hemorrhaging wasn't enough). After talking to the OB who said no worries until you're 42 that pretty much packed that away. Yet, the dread lingered like the taste of burnt coffee.  Maybe it was checking a different box....ya know, the one that now says 35 to 49!! Nahhhhh. My quote unquote box does not have the same effect has say our male counterparts and their euphemisms.

I think it's just vanity. Suddenly it all seems to have gone so fast. I look at my two older kids and think of a plethora of things I wish I could go back and change about being their mommy. Things I would do differently because I was young and parenting in the "suppose to". I was too hard on them. I expected too much. Maybe it's not so much vanity as regret. Like a dish that was overly salted. Not bad just not as good. I've never dealt with much regret. I just plowed forward and yes there are things I wish I'd have done differently, but this tastes different. There's a sadness that comes with regret. A mournful settling.

So this is what they mean by middle-aged. It's sort of like being a teenager again. I was hugging Lily that other day and smelling her hair. We were talking about how 13 is what I call The Ugly In Between Time. You're not a little kid and you miss some of that and want to stay there, but you're not big enough to do any of the other things you want to do either. 13 is haaaaarrrrddd! 35 doesn't look so different. I'm not young although I feel like it, but I'm no where even near old. It's a strange in between.

But I did read a quote a couple of days ago that I stumbled upon almost as if it were on purpose ;)

“In your 30's you can finally stop trying to be a 10 on the outside and work on being a ‘perfect 10’ on the inside. That's where your true beauty exudes from! It's an empowering time in your life because you begin realizing that we all age and wrinkle on the outside, but inner beauty is forever lasting! Oh yea, go ahead and embrace your quirks -- get over the size of your thighs and stop being so critical of yourself.” --Tiffany Hendra, beauty and style expert who teaches empowerment classes to underprivileged young women

So this is where I stand today. Just over the threshold of my 35th year. I'm going to clean out my closet and donate the clothes I've held onto thinking I'm going to get back into them (minus my favorite blue jeans of course). If I do. I do. If I don't. I don't. I'm not the number on the scale. I'm not the number on the tag inside my clothes. I'm not 22 anymore so I can stop trying to be a 10 because I already am. I love my quirks. I rejoice in my uniqueness. And since I'm an external processor, I'm hoping this post will allow me to forgive myself for areas I feel I fail.

Every year, I spend a little time with God going over my life. Where I've been, how far I've come, the people I miss, the ones still with me, and especially where I'm going. This year, my prayer is to make my desires align with His will for my path. So with a a deep cleansing sigh I say....

"I'm surprised that we're still livin/ and if we've done any wrong/ I hope that we're forgiven." - John Mellencamp Cherry Bomb