The Nothing

In my spiritual eye, I could see the emending storm. It was coming like The Nothing from The Neverending Story. My spirit is peaceful as I knew we would survive it. I didn't know how, but I knew we would. We may be weather beaten coming out the other side, but we would definitely survive it. Our marriage would remain intact (issues with financial trust and control played a huge part in the break down of my first marriage and was the leading cause of Big Man's parent's marriage splitting up after sixteen years) and our children would be fed and clothed. All our needs would be met one way or another. We just simply had to endure. Or do we?

At what point in our faith do we just assume that our circumstances are meant to teach us a lesson? Job's circumstance wasn't meant to teach him anything. The Enemy was ALLOWED (oh yeah. He had to ask permission!) to put Job through this trial because God knew his heart and had faith in Job that he wasn't faithful because of his circumstance nor would he lose his faith when he lost it all. I know so many people who read into Job and just get mad. How could God let Satan abuse this man so badly when he lived so virtuous a life? But I see a faith so deep and a trust so great that even the powers of Hell won't move it. I'm not talking about Job's faith in God. I'm talking about God's faith in Job. God knew his heart and saw in him the depths of his convictions and knew he would not stray from him regardless of his circumstances. I want this. I want God to have this kind of faith in me.

Now I'm not saying that I want Satan and his legions to release The Cracken on my life! I'm not saying I want God to throw me to the hounds of Hell to prove my obedience. I'm not stupid by any means. I'm saying that this is the relationship I'd like to have with God. Mutual faith. Mutual trust. To be THAT kind of servant. Like Joseph in Potifer's House. Trusted with all he had.

Except, why do we think that, in order to have this type of relationship with God, we have to suffer the lengths of Job? Why did I feel we had to ENDURE this storm? Didn't the man I call my king calm the storm on the sea? Doesn't He control the weather? Insurance companies don't call it "An Act of God" for just any reason. They are all subject to his will. Aren't we all?

In talking to NiNi, I was describing what I was seeing lately. The only way to draw a proper picture was to describe it as The Nothing. Yet, The Nothing ripped up everything in it's path and left just that in it's wake....Nothing. Just gray matter where there use to be living things. If The Nothing was coming for us then why did I think we would survive it at all? Isn't that the intent of The Enemy? To kill, steal, and destroy? Yet isn't that the intent of faith, as well? A blind belief. A belief that against all odds there is hope and He will work to our good the things intended to harm us (Gen 50:20 ). Then NiNi asked me an interesting question. Had we prayed for God to STOP the storm?

???

Well......no, actually. We hadn't prayed to stop the storm. We'd just been praying for the strength to endure it. To get through it. To survive it. WHY??? Why doesn't it occur to us as Christians to ever ask God to just make it stop? Why do we assume that each thing is either A) straight from the devil when it may in fact be from God to teach us something that will prosper us in the future or B) a Job-esque circumstance that we must endure to get our blessing? Why don't we consider option C) that all God is waiting for is for us to come and ask our Daddy for his help.

So I did. I hit the floor. OK, actually, I made a bit of a spectacle out of myself trying to get 8-months pregnant on her knees by the side of the bed. Here's what I saw almost as soon as I opened my mouth.

The storm just started to dissipate. The clouds rolled back and started breaking up. Sunlight filtered through in lemonade rays. And I knew that this was about the posture of my heart.

Elohim

It has been so long since I bellied up to the table, I didn't even know at which "dish" to begin. So I asked God outright. Where do I go, Lord? Your word is so vast and I've been so long away I don't even know where to go.

And I remembered.....

Names from a power point flashing onto the wall above my head.
A book on a shelf long ago purchased.
A section in my Bible that gave a brief summation of what those names mean.

I remembered the Names of God.

I remembered Tara leading communion talking on the character of God.

So this is where I began. I pulled the book from the shelf along with two different translations and I sat down at my dining room table and began to seek out Elohim.

Elohim, the one who made it all. Created the heavens and the earth. Separated the light from the dark. Water from the land. Day from Night. This most ancient name of God contains the just the mere idea of God's CREATIVE power as well as his authority and sovereignty.

The creativity of God awes me. The sheer magnitude of his scope and vision is incredible. The artist in me. The part that takes the time with plate presentation at dinner so that it's aesthetically appealing. The hairdresser who is always balancing out the color wheel with the angles and planes of the face. This is the part that stands enamored with his ability to think up creations like the duck billed platypus AND give them a purpose in the food chain. The God of the Universe. The maker of the Milky Way. This is whom I worship. The One Who Made It All.

And yet, He still comes to sit with me and have a cup of coffee. To take me to the story from which I was named and expose a new layer of the onion. Taking me to the part in which Laban was perpetually cheating Jacob of his wages. For YEARS. YEEEAAARRRS, people!! Yet, no matter how Laban tried to cheat him God prospered Jacob. Reading that, I knew we were in this for a minute. There aren't going to be any quick fixes. No immediate rebounds. This faith journey, this trust testament. Still I have peace. Maybe it comes from jumping into the wave instead of fighting against the torrent of the sea. Accepting that this is where we are going to live for a bit instead of looking for an instant relief that doesn't come, but still manages to bring the gifts of disappointment and despair.

What I learned of the character of Elohim was a reminder. That the God of the universe is large enough to carry our burdens. That the one who created the sea cucumber is creative enough that the plans of mere mortals are not so convoluted as to be able to stop his ability to give us our needs as we need them.

He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the mommies and the daddies
IN HIS HANDS
He's got the little bitty babies
IN HIS HANDS

He's got the whole world in His hands

Walking Out Loud

I've felt the pull to write again. It's been an off and on endeavor over the years. It's always been hard to write whenever I quit smoking. Writers are strange and fickle creatures with peculiar habits. Whenever I would put the pack down, I would go into stalemate with words. But here I am, three years after I snubbed out my last smoke, pecking away at the keys watching the words in my spirit be birthed onto the screen. Sometimes there are more than one reason for the desert we are journeying in. Maybe, just MAYBE, this could be another one.

I've felt a call lately. A call back to this blog. A call to share this place we are sojourning through. This hard, rocky, brutal place that digs into our sandals and cuts at our feet. Testing us. Propelling us forward because to stop means certain death. A command to go back to Walking Out Loud this faith that is humbling and sometimes hard to share. A command to be transparent during the difficulty of financial poverty and the spiritual growth that comes of watching God show up. A need to be obedient. Above all things obedient so as not to get stuck permanently in a place that was only meant to be for a season.

A month ago, my husband went into work fully aware that there was some restructuring taking place in the near future. He knew it was scheduled to take place at the beginning of August. His position would change and with it would come some changes in our salary and commission percentages as well. We were looking forward to this as the past year had proven stressful as he created the Property Management Director position for a start up. We were all looking forward to him stepping into a job that he enjoyed. What we didn't expect was that the last week of July he was told that effective immediately we would no longer have a salary, but would now be straight commission. No notice. No transition time. No time to train the incoming Director. Just immediate change. As often is the case with real estate, we are at the mercy of the banks. Almost immediately, there was a bottle neck in closings leaving us with no houses to rehab and market. No houses means no commission. No notice means no time to plan for bottle necks. No time to plan means only one thing: we are leaning solely on God as our provider right now. The past year has brought with it different emergencies that depleted our savings and increased our debt. There is no back up. There is no Plan B. We have been brought to a place where we are wholly dependent on the Lord.

I believe this is part of the point. I believe this is in part a lesson on not confusing your provision with your Provider. Not equating your freedom with your finances. Leaning solely on the promises of God and accepting whatever this path might look like. He has brought us to a place where we must lay down our pride and our expectations and say, "I believe in YOU, Lord. My hope is in you. My faith is in you. My family will be fed. We will have shelter. We will have our needs met and it will be because of you and all the glory will be yours."

My husband, my handsome and faithful Big Man, has a phrase he has said to me since we met. He says, "Our faith is personal, but it's not private." There is a deep truth in this. Parts of it I have wrestled with. Namely the part I'm writing about now. I was raised that you don't talk about money. It's rude and ill-mannered and no one's business but your own. Part of it is pride. Small town upbringing drips with a Keeping Up With The Jones' mentality. Even though we've chosen to try to lead a relatively "simple" life forgoing new cars (because I despise a car payment more than anything in the world) and making most of the things we could buy out of convenience, I still struggle with wanting the appearance that we are capable of "handling our bid-niz" and not just having another child we can't seem to afford. So here I am. Stripping down nekked to walk out this faith in technicolor. Leaning in on my part of the lesson in this desert experience and gleaning the reward of seeing my words on the page.