Hannah's Choice

I've been sitting in front of the computer for a minute...or 120 now. More or less avoiding this post. Knowing I need to get it out. Knowing that those who read this that are my friends will just be able to hug me over the next couple of weeks and not have to have explainations which honestly, I'm going to need desperately.

We were slated to go to court Wednesday morning for the final ruling on whether the Federal Judge was going to uphold the power of the Mayor's office or if he would give us the year to find another charter. He didn't even hear arguments. He looked over all the information and made his ruling Tuesday late afternoon. He closed us down.

Tuesday night was AWFUL. Belle sobbed. Of course the news came right at bedtime, so we were going to wait to tell her the next day except she heard her sisters' reactions and quickly the jig was up. Devastation set in as an 8-year-old met the harsh reality that sometimes your best efforts aren't met with victory. Then came the worst of it. Lily had decided to return to her dad's and attend Greenfield next year in the event that the judge did indeed close us. After a sit down conversation and lots of tears and desperation and raised voices. (We're passionate people. We do most things loudly...except for Big Man who use to be very quiet until he lived with 4 girls...now he gets loud too, but when that happens we all tend to S.T.O.P.) That night being near exhaustion and utterly confused about what Lily said she wanted and what she was choosing to do, I told her to pray about it before she made any decisions. B and I went to bed and decided that he logic looked like Swiss cheese which meant the very real possibility of me pulling out the I'm-Your-Momma-Trump-Card forcing her to go Beech Grove.

So yesterday, I told her that where I understood that she didn't want to go to, but part of being resposible enough to make decisions meant being responsible enough to look into every option. That being said get in the van. We're going to tour Beech Grove. She wasn't happy, but she went and asked questions and listened and talked it through with me afterwards. Later, we went downtown to the Central Library so that we could meet with some of the TPS parents to discuss some options for the next year. I'll tell you more in the next day or two as the plan becomes more concrete. However, I will tell you that TPS will indeed open as a school on August 20th and Carrie-Belle will be there. Lily, on the other hand, has made the choice to continue with her plan to return to Greenfield.

Long story short, Lily and I had a really good, very mature conversation about why she would choose to move and go to Greenfield when in fact she doesn't actually want to live away from me. In her perfect world, she would live with me and I'd drive her into Greenfield everyday, but that's not possible. Truthfully, I thought she wanted to move back to her dad's and this was just a way to do it without hurting my feelings. When we talked it through that's not the case at all. We talked about the fact that she did pray the night I asked her too. She got her answer. She even asked why, but didn't get an answer on that one....I did.

Lily says this is the right thing. She doesn't know why, but she knows that her spirit settled down as soon as she accepted this as the right thing for her this next year. I was ready to trump until we had this conversation. The Spirit washed over me like water and I knew that she was speaking truth. She and I spent some time talking it through with B on the front porch and I asked her to pray again for confirmation.

Two or three years ago, God did me the incredible service of speaking into my heart that hard realization that these children are not mine. They are His. For what ever reason, He choice ME. He blessed me as the fortunate woman who got to be their mother. To love them and grow them and teach them to hear His voice. They have their own paths to walk that have nothing to do with me. They have their own destinies and their own futures regardless of my hopes for what those are to be. They are uniquely and wonderfully created separate and apart from their parents. Hannah knew this and gave Samuel to the priests when he was but 2 or 3 years old. Look what that obedience did in the life of Samuel!

I can't tell the girls to seek the will of the Lord and then disobey their call. I can not nor will I hinder the work of God in their lives. Nor will I say that because she is 13 God doesn't lead her in her life. I know that's not true. But I do ask for confirmation that this is indeed the path she is intented to travel. So it was this morning that I was the one to receive the answer to her 'Why'. I was crying. Dragging my feet and not wanting to go through the steps of the things that needed to be done to get her ready to move. I was praying and asking why knowing by the peace in my spirit that this was indeed her path. I've been asked before how I can have peace in my spirit if I'm hurting. Just because you know it's the right thing doesn't make it easy to do.

I was chocking back sobs waiting to fall to my knees and beg for a different answer when I heard, "Because she needs this." I don't know what it is that she needs from this and I don't have too. God is already there waiting in it. Raising kids takes the faith to move mountains. Faith that God has them in his hands when you have to let them go. Often times we think 'oh when they're 18...' never realizing that we don't get to be the ones to decide when the time actually arrives.

Pray for me, Friends. Pray for her. That she gets what ever it is she needs from this.